So I want to write stuff I guess I know that it's not all that interesting to read something that no=one has thought about and just flows or is vomited out of someone. I really feel like writing is too dificult for me so I guess the only way to address that is to write a lot, and get feedback but feedback hurts and who needs that? Who needs pain in their life I don't well I do but I don't want to think about it not having free time is pain having to get up for work is pain thinking about how little I contribute to society and my friends and my communities is pain so I don't do it. I don't do anything now except socialize and walk and complain to myself. It's hard knowing that you have things that worry you that other people think are simply the whining of an over-privileged brat who doesn't want to experience hardship and isn't ready for responsibilities. Responsibilities, that's a word. It's part of maturity and sexual appeal and that's something that's been on my mind, the fact that I don't think I appeal to people my own age because I don't shoulder any responsibilities at all. How could you trust someone who can't even be trusted to get a job or volunteer or do anything other than wallow in their own self-pity and entitlement.
New paragraph. I'm in Carlton Library in Melbourne Australia the words fall and then stop and fall and let up and get up a run away because they don't want the stain of being near me. The words are smart, run run away run away from the handler, the Handler of the page who excavates old books for rare and fancy words to misuse in pursuit of peer approval and commendation because isn't having a big vocabulary the sign of a smart person and haven't you always wanted to be seen as the smartest person anywhere you go/ Or at least the most morally superior in any situation, usually that's to do with intelligence that smarter people are morally superior why don't I go and read some Aristotle already he agrees with me I think, I've not actually read his works just people who talk about his ideas. Second-hand information, third-rate analysis, that's me. That's my mind, that's my academic career. I don't remember how many times someone told me to put a little more effort in, or a lot. I wish I could tell younger me to put more effort into the things younger me loved that trying hard and failing and trying again is cool that trying is cool that succeeding is from failing a lot. I wish I could get present me to realize this there's a big divide between the conscious brain and the subconscious brain I wish I could bridge some of that but I won't be able to if I never try. Trying isn't safe though people might think less of you if you fail and I've always been about appearances. I never tried with my outward appearance because if you try and fail then you get judges and that's the worst thing I could think of, getting judged by people who aren't kind and don't want you in their in-group even though you desperately want to be in theirs.
Now this has gone on long enough, but before I stop I should say that I'm also really frightened of the time I've wasted here, of the opportunity that I didn't take, of the money that I spent here doing almost nothing so now I will have to work for a long time to build up the same amount of money as I had before to travel to all the places I wanted to go to I need to get a job and realize the power of money. Damn this capitalism it means I have to choose to work and that is the hardest for me. Hardships that fall upon me are easy because I didn't choose them there's no wrong choice it's all bad, but making a choice involves not choosing one that might be the right choice. How do you choose? YOu must choose, not making a decision is still a decision. If you stand in the fork in the road for too long eventually Death will run you over and you'll have gone no-where.
I've been listening to the Hamilton soundtrack finally and I'm struck by the line that Hamilton is always "writing like [he's]] running out of time" well we're all running out of time, aren't we? The universe will eventually disassociate all atoms and we'll never be able to survive that as a species, we probably won't survive another 1000 years because we have advanced too fast relative to the adaptive powers of the earth to maintain our habitable climate. We are eating ourselves and we're building like we're running out of time. The time is now now is everything the future is a lie nothing comes back everything moves forward into the present we live in. The words have stopped. I could continue rambling but the words have stopped.
I'm not really proud of this post but I'm going to post it anyway, and fail, and people will ask themselves (or at least I imagine they will) why Will chose to post something that is obviously not good quality, why doesn't he work on something for a while and polish it and then present it? I respond, don't you see how much more that would hurt? To work on something for hours, put emotional effort into it, and then potentially see it fail? To put out something I haven't tried to make well, I'm setting the bar low, I'm not revealing myself too much, I'm not putting too much of my soul into a piece. If I admit that it's bad first, then it hurts less than when others say it because I've already owned it. I greatly admire those people who can put their soul into the things they make, and I'd like to train myself to do it. Just not today.